Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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