Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
