Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize