how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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