Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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