So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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