apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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