She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
