we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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