Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
