Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
