I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
