Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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