the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
