I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
