She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
my liver is dry heaving
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
