I think my vagina is haunted
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
