Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
whose ass print is on the piano?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
