I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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