You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
