Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
