I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
