just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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