How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
