I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
