I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
