I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
