I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Green mimosas i think yes
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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