I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
