Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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