if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
3pm strippers are depressing
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
