Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
