Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
