Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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