I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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