I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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