every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
