Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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