yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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