don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
