I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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