He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
