had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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