so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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