So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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