How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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