Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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