it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
