today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize