Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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