Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
