Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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