I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize