I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
