There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
