I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
